dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
