So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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