let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
