Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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