just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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