My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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