And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
