my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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