Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
