i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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