I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
