I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
be right there i have to get my cape
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
