dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
