remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
