First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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