So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
