I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
