The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
pray to the hookup gods
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
