walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
