Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
