well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
