Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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