Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
