Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
