The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
