just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
