How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
