My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
