im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
