Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
