I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
