Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
