I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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