On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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