I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
