Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
