just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
