Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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