oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
