I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
