U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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