just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
