Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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