dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
