I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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