I am puke
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
