Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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