why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
