i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
