Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
