I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
