Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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