and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The uberlube is also flammable
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
