it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
