We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
