I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
