You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
