I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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